A simple hair tie

Do you ever have that fleeting thought in a given situation, though you'd not tell a soul, "something just isn't right." I've not had too many of those times, but when I have they are always right. A mother's instinct, woman's intuition, gut feeling...whatever it may be, it's almost as if, I believe, God set that there to help ease the load of what is to happen.

Last night, Saturday the 20th, Jared and I went to bed and I had this odd thought as I was pulling my hair out of its ponytail for bed, "I should keep my hair tie on my wrist in case I need it if we go anywhere in the middle of the night."  It was such a random thought it surprised me and almost left me a little lost on why I thought that. I went to bed knowing that the next day would be putting me at 11 weeks pregnant, almost out of the "danger zone" as many call that first trimester. But yet I just couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't right and to keep that darn hair tie on my wrist.

Fast forward a few hours later, 4am to be exact, when I wake up and have another thought to just go to the bathroom. I looked at my hair tie, put my hair up and off to the bathroom I go only to find I'd begun the difficult process of enduring yet another miscarriage. Waking up Jared I felt panicked yet calm enough to tell him what was happening and begin deciding what to do.  We quickly called my sister-in-law, Leah, to see if she might be able to come over and be with the girls when they woke up. She was to our house and ready to go as if she had been waiting all along, but she's also just awesome like that and always quick on her toes. :) 

Now, let me pause there and give you some back story:  Our first miscarriage, which was 5 years ago this August, was quite literally awful. Our ER experience was awful, the doctors and nurses were very calloused and not exactly the friendliest of people...so that being said, I was not too terribly fond on having to go to the ER.  I even work for a doctor's office and frequently find myself getting upset at even the thought of potentially having to see my own doctor. I've always believed in just leaving sickness/ailments alone and let them run their course, no doctor needed. But this was obviously very different.  

We arrived at the ER and were greeted by some of the sweetest receptionists and triage nurses I've honestly ever encountered. Upon being put into our room, the nurse said many times she was so sorry for our loss and also reassured us that this was not our fault. So at this point we had multiple people in and out, every one of them taking the time to talk with us and genuinely care about what was happening. I was so very blown away by the meaningful dialogue and listening ears we encountered during this stay, I will forever be grateful to that staff for bringing so much peace to us during that time.

Anyway, as you can imagine, tests were run and all the usual stuff that needed to be done to ensure my body was doing what it needed to do in order to heal itself. After those tests came back normal and the doctors felt good enough, I was discharged. Obviously, at this point I was just about starving. So that good ol' husband of mine and I decided to head over to Panera for a bite to eat.  About 10mins into our time at Panera I was sitting at the table across from Jared and felt my sight and hearing begin to go out, my arms became tingly and a severe bout of nausea set in. I'm sure I completely freaked Jared out as he was attempting to wave his arms in front of me and almost have to catch me. So! Back to ER we went!  I was monitored for another couple hours just to ensure my blood pressure didn't plummet like it had at Panera causing the episode. The nurse we had (a guy named Tori) might literally rival even the sweetest midwives I've met during my time of doula-ing. He was absolutely incredible! He was informative, caring, and also so good at lightening a mood.  If you ever meet a male nurse named Tori (not sure of spelling) from Nebraska Medicine, I highly encourage you to thank him for choosing the profession he is in. Because he rocked it!

We left, came straight home and opened the door to a completely cleaned apartment. My sister-in-law is absolutely AMAZING!  And I cannot even begin to express just how thankful I am for her existence in my life, and not just because she cleaned and watched our kids! 

So, why do I type all of this out?  Why give you the details of such an awful experience? Because I am one of those people who has to process everything out in this kind of way. There are times as people we live through experiences and it all seems as if it was just a dream. I often blog and write because it brings experiences in every form back down to earth and allows for the grieving and healing process to take place. I have way too many people in and out of my life who have not taken any time to really process a said experience, and I see what it does to them and how it has affect their life. We are emotional creatures, and that's ok! Learn to embrace that. And emotions can be such a difficult thing to navigate, and that is why I choose to blog/write. My heart learns to accept the grieving instead of stuffing it away and as time allows I begin to heal as I understand what has happened. I also write these blogs to help be an encouragement to others whom have experienced loss. May you take the time to grieve and heal; know there is no time limit on that process. Take comfort in knowing there are many of us out there who have experienced this kind of loss, we can come together and be a village who extends an understanding hand as comfort. Please do not be afraid to let your friends and/or family in, allow them to take some of the burden and just hold you during such a time. Let them take the hair tie, pull your hair back and say, "I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. Let your tears flow, I've got you." 

And as for my own hair tie, it held my hair all day but is currently making my head hurt. Thank you all for taking the time to read and allowing me to grieve and heal. Much love!